That Constant Battle

There’s so many things that I want to say but when it comes down to it, I can’t. my thoughts just vanish

You know, many people tell me that these challenges in my life are there for a reason. These obstacles are supposed to teach me life lessons and make me stronger to the cold and cruel world out there. What I can’t seem to grasp is when will this all stop? Is it not possible to say that this sense of struggle might follow me throughout my life? They say, if you think you are having a bad day, someone is probably is having it worse. And to an extent that does put things into context but over time it just gets old.

Family. Is a big part of my life. Its me. And although my family and that sense of family is very important to me there are times where family is the source of my hurt, pain, and tears. Sometimes I just wish that these heart wrenching thoughts just vanish.

Im hurting inside and sometimes I don’t know why. Sometimes I don’t want to so I make it disappear from my mind, but in the end it comes back to haunt me. This wall that I worked so hard build with an misunderstanding that it was being strong has many flaws and so the day that it cracks will be a day that I fear.

"It's Love, Baby Love"

An old piece a few years back. Slightly old school, but still hits close to home.

As I stand here, I want you to here me out. After all these years I learned a lot in life. Everything these days, we never say anything out loud. Everything is always left unsaid.

As I curl up in there

a mysterious place where God gave me the breath of life

I was too scared to come out and face the unknown

To feel the fearful darkness

To see the hopeful ray of light

taking me to the unfathomable world

The second my heart beats to the hospital air

its cold

I cried my lungs out until I had color in my cheeks

Breathe Baby Breathe

Where's that voice?

the voice

it is the only voice I know of

moments into my series of cries

what's that I hear?

A voice is trying to comfort me as I became brave enough to open my eyes

"Hey there," you say "welcome dear."

Sleep Baby Sleep

I wake up startled to a poisonous touch

A sinuous man violates my innocence

Mommy, I'm so scared

I wish I could ask you

what is done to me? I don't know how.

I wish I could tell you that

that man was so close to you, linked by blood

Mommy, I don't want to think about it anymore

Kiss it, so it will go away

He watches me throughout the day

He lurks outside my bedroom door

When you were in deep sleep

Shame Baby Shame

One morning I woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach, Ma

Some of the boys at my school have been harassing me

Ma, I wear those colorful outfits you made me

Ma, my Payless shoes light up with every step as I run, Ma

They chase me,

they corner me,

they hurt me.

My friends are being forced to the ground behind the bushes

Ma, we're screaming and the yard duties don't care

I'm starting to think it's because we're not like them.

We're Asian Baby Asian

While you were at work, the ice cream man threw out free candy into the streets

All the kids in the block littered our street yesterday

But Momma I'm smart, I'm clever.

I took the candy from a boy sitting next to me

I unwrapped it, broke it in two

How dare that ice cream man!>>>

The chocolate is infested with little worms

I learned to live the streets Momma

Learn Baby Learn

I'm a good student; I excel in all I do

I wish you were here for my award ceremonies in the cafeteria

Like all of the other kids parents

But its okay "you gotta do what you gottas do."

You guys work so hard it makes me sad

We don't see you anymore

My baby brother calls me Mom now

Work Hard Baby Work

One holiday, a terrible accident happened

The scene is hidden from me; I see a trail of blood

We are holding up the traffic, there are cars everywhere

"God please don't let my brother die!"

Mommy, I'm so sorry your brother died

That day with his three kids

I miss them so much

That was a terrible holiday Mom

Cry Baby Cry

I'm helping the family

I'm growing up fast

I'm helping you out

Don't worry I will watch your kids

I will help them do their homework each night

I will make dinner for our family

I will clean the house each day

So when you go home you have more time for them

More time for us

So you can get rest for another day of hard work

Grow Up Baby Grow Up

Hey Mom, I'm calling to tell you that Grandma left us

I spent as much time as I could at the hospital to accompany her

But she just couldn't take another breath

She's tired out

I'm starting to get tired too

Are you tired?

Life is hard Mom

I have already learned that, years ago

It's Okay Baby It's Okay

I am annoyed with you these days Mother

You still get on my back everyday

I just want to be me.

I wish we can see each other eye to eye, person to person, daughter to mother, woman to woman

Just Understand Baby Understand

I have my own life now

I raised myself,

I grew up by myself,

I worked for myself

And I raised my own brothers and sister,

and I took on your role in the family,

and I missed out on my own life

But hey Mom, it's not your fault, no one's to blame

You had to take care of business

That's how things come to happen and that's who I am today

I'm Proud Baby Proud

Dear Mom,

We are two different people

We lead different lives, but in some ways we are similar

We are strong, we persevere in our battles

I'm working on starting my life and making the best out of what's left

And even though we never say I it Mom, I know it's there but it's unspoken

I love you too

Love Our Ways Baby Love

Statement of Purpose for GradSchool

A Story of Perseverance

Wide-eyed and eager, I listened intently to the words of Ms. Mona Pasquil, a communication consultant and political strategist. “Brothers and sisters, everyone has a story. I encourage you to know yours,” she said. She spoke strongly yet eloquently; her message, powerful. Everyone has a story of what they have experienced; how they have perceived certain aspects of their lives, and how it has brought them to where they are in life. This story, if told genuinely and without reserve, taps into the series of events that has molded a person and reflects one’s true character, which compels me to tell mine.

I came from a very traditional Vietnamese background. My parents were Vietnamese refugees who fled from Vietnam on a rickety boat to the United States in hopes of achieving a better life for themselves and their children. Being part of the first generation to be born in the United States, I have questioned my identity and my placement in such a different society from my past ancestors. With these questions in mind, I hungered to learn more about my culture and heritage and as I did, I was able to blend and balance both my American and Vietnamese cultural background. I realized that having a strong connection between two different countries empowers me to serve as a bridge between the many countries of this world. I believe that my multicultural background serves as the catalyst to promote discussion to help people understand each other. Due to that strong hunger to understand and analyze the issues that Asian Americans face in society my research interests at UC Davis was on Asian American societal and cultural issues. My minor in sociology also has allowed me to explore the many different aspects of society, analyze it as a whole, and look at the influences of society on an individual.

Although I am fortunate for graduating sooner than most students, it was honestly a constant challenge for me to work towards my undergraduate degree. I’d like to quickly address my GPA performance during my college career. Due to my family’s financial hardships, I did not want to make my parents feel that they were obligated to pay for my education at University of California, Davis (UC Davis). We owned a small business for thirteen years and I’ve helped out with the family business growing up. We ended up selling our business in March 2005 – my second year at UC Davis – because we were not able to profit and sustain it any longer. Since we did not have a major source of income, it was a struggle for me to focus on my studies as I was faced with the dilemma of my family’s financial instability. On top of managing a full course load at UC Davis, internships ranging from politics to art, and being involved in various community projects, I was also working one to two part-time jobs at a time. In these times of struggle, I feel that I have really persevered to keep afloat. It also motivated me to work even harder so that I can reach one of my life’s goals – providing for my parents and siblings. Having the mentality that money is sure to be short and growing up with a family business, I developed a business-like mindset. With that in mind, it explains why I am an opportunist and constantly seeking new ways to add more income. This mentality also pushes me to claim my education.

Throughout my college years at the UC Davis, I constantly explored extracurricular activities beyond academia shifting to community activism and involvement. One of my greatest accomplishments was a museum exhibit called, “Ao Dai: A Modern Design Coming of Age.” The exhibit revealed the beauty of the ao dai, the Vietnamese national dress, and was the first exhibition of its kind in the United States. As a current student of Professor Caroline Valverde, she asked me if I would be interested in being her intern and research assistant because she had a project in mind for me. The project was to assist her with the museum exhibition and my role ranged from researching to organizing fundraisers for the exhibit. One of my duties was to become an expert in WorldCat, a global network of library content, and search for historical texts and documents, rare images, and sound clips relevant to our research. Since this was a major and long term project, Professor Valverde encouraged me to become well-versed in EndNote, a bibliography software that categorizes research articles and documents. This software helped me analyze all of the research content that I had found using WorldCat and allowed me to separate and organize the data.

One of the most influential leadership-building programs in my life started when I applied to the statewide Asian Pacific Leadership Conference at UC Santa Barbara and was selected as one of the fifty participants. The rigorous four day conference gave me the opportunity to learn the importance of activism and human impact in the community from activists and state leaders including Assembly Member Warren Furutani to State Controller, John Chiang. Here was where I gravitated to the wisdom of those that created a pathway before me. Here was where the words of Ms. Mona Pasquil inspired me to thrive in my journey so that one day I can share my own insights and life experiences.

In fall of 2007, I walked across the commencement stage at UC Davis with a Bachelors of Arts in Asian American Studies with an emphasis in Social Science and a minor in Sociology. At this time, I was a few months into my internship at Governmental Solutions Group, LLC (GSG) where my interests in utilizing technology to share data and information grew stronger. After I graduated from UC Davis, I was offered a permanent position as a legislative aide and administrative assistant at GSG. My first assignment was to establish the firm’s legislative bill tracking process through CapitolTrack, an online program that organize legislative bills & our client’s policy issues, track the status of legislative bills as it moves through the house, and create status reports. Working at GSG, a few legislative bills caught my interests as they were being introduced by the State Senate and Assembly. These bills outlined the importance of information technology and the need to provide more skill and vocational training in computers and information technology to California’s workforce. Another bill, that required more funding from the state, allowed school districts and state institutions to assign student and teacher identification numbers to track the achievement rate – whether it was student graduation rate or teaching success rate. I came to realize how crucial information data was to our society; however, if all of the information correlated and was working together it would be even more valuable. The data would give researchers accurate statistics thus creating a full circle; by influencing policy makers to create policy that are relevant to Californians based on those statistics. Finally information data and technology, if utilized would help close the disparities between state institutions.

Initially I started off with the same daily roles as most interns, such as prepared documents for clients, organized the office and filing, answered a heavy load of phone calls, managed the president’s schedule, and represented my company at political events and conferences. In addition to my initial duties as an intern, I was an integral part of developing our company’s online publication called, EdBrief (www.educationmediagroup.com). EdBrief is an online publication that keeps educators and the public up-to-date on education news and provides resources they can use to inform their academic, business management and research efforts. At first EdBrief was a bi-weekly newsletter that incorporated three staff writers including myself, but now it is an online publication with weekly updates sent to over six thousand educators, school administrators, and subscribers. On top of contributing to EdBrief’s articles and content, I was responsible for creating and designing the newsletter through Microsoft Publisher and finding innovative ways of distributing EdBrief. I am constantly finding new ways to efficiently distribute the newsletter and I know it takes took a few hit or miss attempts. I have experience using iContact, an online e-mail template builder and marketing program to extensive data gathering and managing. Currently, I have a system that works for me, but I hope to find an application that would simplify it.

Managing the firm’s many databases, I am relentlessly thinking of ways and methods that would save me time and increase efficiency. A lot of the projects that I have worked on require me to manage information, to quickly learn and adapt to new technological software and programs, and to make conclusions about the data that is on hand. In September 2007, GSG launched a marketing campaign where I was in charge of the planning and brainstorming process. I manage the databases of potential clients & business sponsorship, help design the company’s brochure, and assist in developing the mailing campaign process. I also review the analytics report from our various websites and interpret what that data means to my firm and what we can do to increase the number of visitors and length of visits. The idea of using technology in any of my projects has caught my interest and I enjoy the challenge of figuring out the best way to approach certain aspects by using applications and software as a tool for efficiency.

The process of attaining my college education was a lesson learned. When I started as an intern, one particular advice that struck to me as valuable was from Vernon Billy, GSG’s president. He noticed how I was involved in so many different activities and how it made it hard for me to focus on what really mattered to me. I was so busy trying to be a well-rounded person that it took away from my focus. I had to admit that I was spreading myself thin. Through our many sit-down conversations, Vernon really became my mentor. We weaved through my activities list and prioritized the importance of each item to my career and future. I learned to be selective, created my focus and used my time wisely to harness my goals.

After earning my bachelor’s degree, I was still hungry to learn and hone in on my skills. I was determined to move forward and pursue a master’s degree. Confiding this desire with my mentor and current employer, he believed in me and agreed to sponsor my development and training courses. He provided me with resources and allowed me to attain more technical skills through formal coursework. I wanted to take courses that would refine my writing skills and develop more knowledge in website building and design. While being a student, I juggled my course attendance and assignments with working a full-time schedule. Just this past fall semester at American River College I received one of the highest scores in my on-line web creation course. This course trained me on Microsoft Expressions and allowed me to gain knowledge in website creation and design. Concurrent with my on-line course, I was also enrolled in an intensive eight-week writing course at Sacrament City College that strengthened and improved my ability to put my critical analysis and concepts onto paper. I was able to apply my mentor’s advice and focus on what was important to me – concentrate on developing my computer technology skills and interests towards a master’s degree as well as presenting my capabilities with the quality of my work.

As a student in these courses while managing a demanding job, I was able to fully envision myself as a working student again. Being a student this time around, I was more confident in my time management abilities and felt that my working experience had provided me with perspectives different from my fellow peers. I was so grateful to be given the opportunity to go back to college after attaining my bachelors to strengthen my writing skills and fulfill my fascination for technology and software. So I took the first step and started looking into graduate programs that would entice my interests as well as expand my knowledge in information, technology, and innovative management. After researching all of my options, I finally came across the University of San Francisco (USF) where the graduate program in Information Systems (MSIS) with a concentration in Information Security was offered – not only was this a prestigious college, but USF had a program specifically for professional adults in Sacramento and for the first time, was offering a concentration in Information Security. I knew that I had found my calling.

After attending the information meeting and quizzing anyone that made themselves readily available to me, from former graduate students to the Chair of the MSIS department, I made my decision to invest in my future at USF. I excelled in small discussion classes at UC Davis because the informal environment made it easy for me to contribute in class with my opinions and thoughts. I was excited to learn that USF adopted the cohort model of education for the reason that it cultivates the values of teamwork by allowing students to learn and work together. From the MSIS program I hope to walk away with the knowledge of information technology (IT) management, strategy, and project planning as well as being able to apply this knowledge to the real working world. My goal is to use this education to allow for career mobility and growth. I hope to also be visible in the business arena and “techy” world alike. I say that because I am a minority woman and that in itself is rare in this field. I have had this unceasing desire to feed my mind and learn just about anything that is in the realm of innovation, efficiency, and resourcefulness. With the growing use of the internet and technology, it has indulged my interests because of its versatile dynamics. The ever changing and evolving technology world is enough to attract my interests, but now with the growing use of information sharing and complexity of protecting information through security would provide a fulfilling career. I would strive to be a part of that IT world where technology has a role in the advancement our society.

I see that there is a need for people who have the skills to read the information and analyze what it means. There are high demands from corporations and government alike for a skilled workforce in the areas of information technology management, strategic security, and complex project management and that competitive environment motivates me. I strongly believe that my acceptance into USF’s MSIS program will cultivate my ideas so that upon my completion will open doors for me in a gratifying technology career.

Coming full circle to my story, as a first-generation Vietnamese American, I came from a family where my parents never saw a class beyond high school in the poverty-stricken regions of South Vietnam and have since worked labor-intensive jobs to survive. To me, claiming my education is an accomplishment in itself. Pursuing my master’s degree is a chance to set the tone and example for my family’s generation to come. Not only is my story a journey of my personal calling, but a pathway for others to follow. My ambition has led me to many possibilities in life. I am able to learn from mistakes and overcome a lot of obstacles that was before me. My determination has pushed me beyond realms that I did not know even existed, and it has brought me this far. Knowledge and experience in life have molded me into a self-motivated person who is hungry to learn and has the desire to taste success. I believe interest guides us to our true desires, but determination takes us there. From what I know, and from my efforts and what I learned thus far, can determine my ability to succeed.

A random note . . .

As I am sitting here diligently and "strategically" working a.k.a. procrastinating on my grad apps with my Starbucks Venti Tuxedo Soy Mocha (hold the whip pls), there is a quote on my coffee cup that seems fitting to my statement of goals for my msis program.

So here I am sharing, from my opinion, an inspirational quote by Hala Moddelmog, President and CEO of Komen for the Cure - and courageously writing late on a work night mind you, so to all you poor souls who might be up late tonight working or studying as well here is something for you ...

The Way I See It #299

"There is a subtle difference between a mission and a promise. A mission is something you strive to accomplish - a promise is something you are compelled to keep. One is individual, the other is shared. When a mission and a promise are one and the same . . . that's when mountains are moved and races are won."

Let's aim to bring change and promise one paper/project at a time. :]

My Bio

Cathy Bui, Legislative Assistant

Cathy Bui conducts legislative and policy research on issues that impact GSG clients, monitors state agency hearings and legislative committees, prepares client position papers for legislative and State agency consideration and coordinates lobby days for clients.

Prior to joining GSG, Ms. Bui worked in the office of Assembly Majority Leader Karen Bass. While in the Majority Leader's Office, she conducted bill research on a wide range of policy issues including education, health and welfare, and State prisons. In addition, she advised the Assemblywoman and staff on pending legislative votes, assisted with the coordination of events and represented the Majority Leader's office at numerous policy conference and meetings.

Ms. Bui's policy focuses include education, Asian American social and cultural issues, women's issues and other social justice issues. Ms. Bui received her Bachelor of Arts degree in Asian American Studies with a Social Science emphasis and a minor in Sociology emphasizing in Law and Society from the University of California, Davis.

Help me edit this for class!

I consider myself a Vietnamese American woman. On the street, a random passerby would categorize me as an Asian girl. To the savvy person who can differentiate the many different Asian ethnicities, might be able to pin point what "type of Asian" I am. However, they would confuse me as Filipino or Cambodian due to my dark skin. To the sheltered passerby that is not usually around Asian people, they would assume that I am Chinese (since all Asians are automatically Chinese). Overall, people would assume that I am Asian, but do I seem "American"? I was born in San Jose, California in 1986. I grew up and was raised in San Jose, Stockton, and Tracy and regularly visit the bay area since that is where most of my extended family resides.

Although, I am dressed like the usual 20-something on the street, I still get those questions that still follow me throughout my walks of life. "Are you from here? Where were you born? And where are you really from? How about your parents?" I give the benefit of the doubt that this person is not intentionally trying to insult or mock me, but as years gone by, I just wonder when people will just get a clue. Following those questions and after the person has felt that they have just "figured" me out, I am then bombarded with lame questions that forces me into a conversation. "So, you are Filipino? I LOVElumpia (respectively)! O, you are not Filipino? Ahh, you are Vietnamese? Where is the best pho (respectively) restaurant? I LOVE pho!" It is important in our society to categorize people and "figure" them out. By "figuring" out my ethnicity, it allows this stranger to associate generalizations about my particular group of people and latch those stereotypes onto me in order to feel secure. Categorizations also help people feel comfortable because everything just falls into place and become consistent; they then see only what they want or belief they see.

That random person also looks at me as I am a child. Sometimes I feel that a lot of the odds are against me. Here I am a minority standing at 5 feet, barely making 1 inch, feeling tiny (3 inches shorter and I would legally be considered a midget), as the person to my left or right, towers me by at least 4 to 5 inches. One summer when interning at the State Capital in, what one may believe is a diverse and integrated area, Sacramento, I was forced to see reality. Walking around the building or meeting someone for the first time, I cannot help but feel that I am 1 in a million (or at least 1 in a thousand in the State Capital building). The majority of the people who walk in and out of the building are typically well-off Caucasians and dominantly male. When I meet someone new, it feels like they are sizing me up and questioning my ability. Within a minute, without knowing my skills, my background, or my knowledge, this person already questions why I am there.

I look young, most Asians do. I do not know how, but it just happens. You would think more people would catch on to this, but I get questions such as "How old are you?" or "Are you 15? 16?" and after this person realize that they have gravely mistaken, they attempt to save themselves with, "It's good that you look young now, you will age beautifully!" At that moment, the question has already been internalized by both the receiver and contributor. Thank you for your contribution of thoughts, but I feel that you have made assumptions that just limited my possibilities. What are the odds? I am hit with a double standard because I am Asian, a women, and I look young, too.

I did not put the two terms "Vietnamese" and "American" together until I reached college and after I took a lot of Asian American courses to help me with my identity. Throughout kindergarten to high school, I couldn't really define myself or pinpoint what I was. And I would be perplexed with this ongoing inner debate if I was American or Asian or Vietnamese. Now, after careful thought and with the understanding that my identity is fluid, I claim my ethnicity and nationality. I am Vietnamese American and in broader terms, I am Asian American. I am the product of bi-culture, multi-pluralism, and mainstream America. I embrace my identity in college and am still developing it.

I wouldn't say I came from a privileged family. My parents came to the United States in 1984 as political refugees and worked as janitors and cooks until we were able to save enough money to own our own business. After many business attempts, such as Chinese restaurants and hamburger joints, we had a little shop that lasted for about 14 years. It wasn't until the 10^ththrough 12^th year that we grew prosperous, but that quickly changed once major conglomerate corporations picked up on our growing town, settled in. The store provided people with a variety of things, from toothpaste to furniture, but we couldn't beat the prices that Wal-Mart and Costco offered. We sold the store in 2005 and money has been a struggle for me since. I worked most of my life and have held about 7 to 8 jobs and usually juggling 2 jobs at a time on top of my full-time student schedule. Money stress and working has taken a toll on my college life and studies, but I am just facing the facts of life. I hope all of these struggles would pay off in the future since I am learning a lot about perseverance and with a pinch of stubbornness.

I am heterosexual female and have been in a serious relationship for a little over 5 years. There are plans of marriage in the future but nothing earlier then 2 to 3 years from now. I am very open with sex and my sexuality. I find it easy to talk about sex to my group of girl friends, sometimes strangers or acquaintances, and share my knowledge of it when those who come and seek for it. I have the same respect for one's sexuality as if they are like everyone else; people with a heart. I am comfortable being around people who are homosexual, bisexual, or claim any other sexuality or identity. I feel that there should be more discussions about sexuality and sex. Oppression does take society as step back from progression. I feel that the same-sex marriage laws are discriminatory and greatly hinder the way for equality.

I hope to represent myself and other Asian Americans and Vietnamese Americans in a positive light. I would like to see the clear glass walls of discrimination and stereotypes be shattered to allow a fairer approach for one's upward mobility and growth. I hope to be alive to see Asian Americans represented in mainstream media and popular culture because we account for the American population as well.